So, today i decided to go back on medication. I feel sort of like iapos;m giving up on myself and my power to be a confident, un-self conscious (is there a word that means that?) bi-polar person. And then i feel sort of relieved. It just got to a point where even my close friends were calling me crazy, and i know they didnapos;t mean it in a hurtful way, but i HATE being called that. It makes me feel totally devalued and inhuman. But at the same time, they do have their reasons for using that word towards me, beyond a limited vocabulary and a vague understanding of mental disorders. I can act pretty wild sometimes, and i have little to no control over my emotional reactions to everyday situations. So describing me as crazy isnapos;t that far fetched. Iapos;ve just had the word thrown in my face so many times by so many people that iapos;m very sensitive to it. But i do have to be realistic and realize, yes, there are things about my behavior and interactions that are not "normal," and once i finally let go of my pride and ask for help, i can maybe change that. I dunno. Iapos;ve never voluntarily medicated myself before because i believed that i needed to live my experiences instead of blocking them and get over whatever hurdles i was up against naturally. But when my emotional experiences are getting in the way of my everyday life and i have to randomly stop what iapos;m doing and go sit somewhere private to either laugh or cry uncontrollably, obviously thatapos;s something to be dealt with. So after two panic attacks and a complete breakdown in a gas station, i finally called my mom and was like, "i need to get on some meds, stat." and she was like, "are you going to kill yourself?" and iapos;m like, "no, duh." so i guess tomorrow iapos;m going to the doctor if i donapos;t get called in to work. And i donapos;t really know how to feel about it. But whatev.
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